Drunk driver, experts only

I think the best advice my father ever gave me was, if you must drive drunk, make sure you have done it before. That said, my father was a stoic man who did not offer much in the way of smart advice.
Then again, over the years, I have learned the hard way, especially on New Years Eve, that the most dangerous drivers are not the drunks, it’s the inexperienced drunks out driving public roads without the skills that a chronic drunk brings to the highways and byways on a nightly basis.
Police and morticians will tell you, drinking and driving make for a dangerous mix, which is generally true, except for my dear friend, Alcoholic Bob. Bob started drinking when he was a teenager and has never really slowed down, starting with his gateway drink of choice, cheap beer and moving on to harder drinking as he got older, finally working his way up to the hard stuff while in college. All that time, Alcoholic Bob would drink to extremes and then get into his beater car and drive back to his dump of an apartment.
In all the years I have known Alcoholic Bob, he has never once been involved in any sort of traffic accent, nor has he been pulled over for any sort of driving infraction. Me, on the other hand, a person who can not drink because of some sort of genetic flaw, has received more than my fair share of tickets, accidents and near fatal car crashes.
So, what I know for a fact is this, if you must drink on New Years Eve and you find yourself in need a ride somewhere, find the most severely alcoholic friend you know and make sure they are driving you wherever you need to go, because a true alcoholic knows how to drive drunk, it’s the inexperienced and inebriated that are the real danger.

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